tough life, my children have....indeed.

…I’m quite happy to say.
That the Sneetches got really quite smart on that day.
The day they decided that Sneetches are Sneetches.
And no kind of Sneetch is the best on the beaches.
That day, all the Sneetches forgot about stars and whether
They had one, or not, upon thars.

I’ve known Jack could read for quite some time. He was an early reader, like I was. Tonight was the first night he’s had the patience and want to actually do the reading before bed. Each of the boys picked out their stories for the night, we read Charlie’s, and Goph’s and then Jack decided that he would read his for us. He sat in my lap and grabbed his choice (which was odd to me, because the Sneetches has never stood out as one of his favourites in his pile of Dr. Seuss books) and he started to read. He was confident and steady and nothing tripped him – not peculiar machine, nor wondrous contraption, not even Sylvester McMonkey McBean.

Tonight I was so proud of him. And so hopeful that he will decide that he loves to read and has the ability to escape through books, just like his mom has always done. And tonight, yet again, as any parent can attest to – another one of those ‘has-this-time-come-already?’ moments came and passed.

Makes me glad that most nights we take the time for bedtime stories. Makes me glad that they like the stories I remember from my early reading days. Makes me sad that the days of Dr. Seuss are numbered, but I guess Harry Potter comes next, and I can certainly be excited about that.

starting from our house, we want to travel across canada going west, get to BC and turn south, get to california, go east a bit, hit florida and start north until the maritimes and then head west towards home again.

are we crazy? possibly. would it be fun? absolutely. would we ever forget it? no chance. and with the technology of today, i could blog, share, facebook and tweet. our friends could almost join us. and as long as i could connect to the internet, i could still work. my clients would barely know i was gone. it could be perfect.

so, i found a map and printed it spanning 4 sheets of paper. Jack started colouring. i’m teaching him where canada starts and ends, where the united states is and where we could drive. we’ve also started mapping out the can’t miss destinations along the way. just thinking about it (and what it could mean for next summer) is exciting!

so, the budget, i will be leaving to my husband….the special spots are my focus. here’s what i’ve come up with so far:

in Canada:
rocky mountains
prairies
wale watching
dinosaur museum
vancouver aquarium
old quebec

in the states:
hollywood sign
mann’s chinese theatre
madame tussaud’s
grand canyon
las vegas strip
bouron street
rainbow bridge
san diego zoo
statue of liberty
ellis island
alcatraz
disney
seaworld
bush gardens
mt  rushmore
broadway
graceland
grand ole opry

that’s my start of ‘major destinations’. i have to research the biggest ball of twine and other fantastic photo opportunities, but right now i’m concentrating on the big stuff.

so…what am i missing? comment….[please]….let me know. sure, it’s just a dream in early planning stages right now, but it’s kind of fun to think about, don’t you agree?

At 814pm this evening, it’s official. I’ll enter my 30th year. I don’t know how I got here. I distinctly remember thinking as a child that turning 30 was SO FAR away. That it would NEVER happen. That really doesn’t seem like that long ago. It’s here and I’m doing my very best to take a deep breath, accept it and move on.

I feel a little old. What’s funny, is I’ll feel even older when my younger sisters’ birthdays pass. One in a week and one in February. Those days hit me hard too. As do the yearly celebrations of my own children. I think it’s the passing of time. The moments that are gone, the time that can’t be done over. I know it’s such a cynical look, but I can’t deny how I feel, how I’ve felt since I crumbled on the floor on my 20th birthday. Once I got to 17, I wasn’t in a huge rush to be able to write down the higher numbers when asked my age.

At 30, there is plenty to be proud of, happy about and to look forward to, and I am. I am blessed with my boys, all four of them. I have a lovely home, a fulfilling job and a husband I love. I have friends I care about and who care about me. I continue to discover who I am and I’m working up the courage to chase some of the dreams that remain running wild.

As I type this, I’ve got 14 minutes left of 29. I wonder how my parents feel. I was their first. I wonder what’s coming next. Good things, I hope.

Michael made me a cake. Sitting on top of the best cake I’ve ever tasted is Eeyore. He’s my favourite. And, it said, “Sometimes if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known”

oh bother...

I don’t like it when people label Eeyore as depressing and pessimistic. I think he’s wise and without sugar-coating. He reminds me of Pop [my grandfather] and that makes my heart happy.

Daddy made him a spectacular cake, though it was an incomplete rainbow, as pointed out by Jack, missing the yellow layer, but it passed inspection just the same. And, we had lovely rainbow cupcakes on the day of his actual birthday too, so he let it slide.

We had a bouncy castle, a cotton candy machine and lots of friends and we ended the night with a bath in the big tub and some naked kids. Perfect in my books!

Now, we’ve just got to get our hands on a cotton candy machine that we get to keep. I haven’t seen my husband that giddy in a very long time!

I remember everything about bringing him into the world. Everything from my water breaking to getting into an argument at the dog park, to the drive to meet Michael with my friend, Stacey. I remember stopping at Aunt Carolyne’s before the hospital. I remember the people who love me in the delivery room.

I remember the pain and the process. I remember the moment that passed when I didn’t want to be touched or talked to anymore.

And, I remember Jack coming into the world.

He made me a mommy. He made us a family. Life had forever changed.

Today, he’s a sensitive little being. A worrier. A germaphobe. He likes order and reason. He’s very, very smart. He does not let anything go. He values his hugs and kisses. He charges me for rights to the books he makes.

He is growing up faster than I ever thought possible.

For his birthday, all he wanted was rainbow cupcakes and a big box. He’s not that difficult to please. He loves rainbows. I think it’s because there is order in them. Ever colour has its place. They are predictable. The cake Michael is making him for his birthday party is going to be a rainbow cake. There are diagrams.

There were so many firsts with Jack. There will continue to be. This is the first 6th birthday we’ve been through. The first birthday that says, “I’m not a little boy anymore”. He’s happier about it than I am.

how the boys start their day....mommy and daddy out, boys in.

rainbow cupcakes

birthday boy.

my baby boys.

School starts tomorrow. Too soon for me. I don’t know where the summer went. I don’t know where these little boys came from either. My biggest will be in grade 1, my middle in jk and my baby has [finally?!] started talking. I hope the first two don’t have the anxiety that I used to have for school. I would agonize about going back. I didn’t like new things. I didn’t like being without what I knew as familiar. And we do our best to help with the transition. Puppy will be in Jack’s backpack and we’ll drive him to school tomorrow, get him in his class with his shoes changed and his backpack in its place. I think he’ll be ok. His whole SK class is together in grade 1. And Alex, my little social butterfly, though he may be a little shy and timid at first, I’m sure he’ll be fast friends with everybody by next week. He’s only got Wednesday to break into the new schedule this week. And, I can’t wait to hear all about my little boys’ adventures. I must admit though, I’d rather keep them home with me for a bit longer.

In preparation for the change in schedule, we didn’t do very much today. The four of us snuggled into mommy and daddy’s bed and watched a carebears movie that Jack had been waiting for in Disney Junior for a couple of weeks. We got out their hallowe’en costumes from last year and started the discussion about this year’s trick or treating. Mommy didn’t even get out of her pjs. We laughed at the dinner table (at things moms really shouldn’t laugh about – encouraging the silliness isn’t smart with little boys), they got clean and fresh in the tub and we’re going to attempt an 8:30pm bedtime. And tomorrow morning we’ll bring Jack to his first day of grade 1. And, we will miss him all day. And then Wednesday….two will be gone. That’s never happened before. And it’s happened too fast.

Parents, hug your children. Laugh with your children. Even on the days you want to sell them – embrace the silliness in it all. Because, sooner rather than later, I’m afraid….school will take them away.

happy.

married.

August 23, 2003 we got married. I was still 21 at the time (almost 22). We’ve been married for 8 years today. We’ve been through a lot so far. Too much, I think sometimes, more than we deserve. But so far, so good.

We’ve got busy lives and three busy boys.

The weather was beautiful and the day was crazy. What I remember the most is feeling happy. I wanted to marry him. Nothing else really mattered.

Would I do it all the same again. No. No, no, no. We would either go away somewhere hot and all-inclusive with as few or as many as could make it. Or we would have a tiny ceremony with just us, sign the paper and have a party. I would still be happy. I would still pick him. And, I guess…that’s really all that matters.  xxoo.

Anyway…not the point of this blog.

My other love (one I am less proud of) is tv. I love me some television. More than movies, for sure. Especially the last few years – mostly because the originality seems to have left the big screen and all the adaptations fail miserably when compared to the books that have come before them.

So…tv.

What I MUST watch now.

House - I really enjoy it. Partly is because my husband likes it just as much as me (these shared interests are few).

Dexter – I didn’t watch this one from the beginning, but was given the first three seasons right after season 4 ended. I watched the first three and then bought season 4 and was all ready when 5 started.

Glee – If music doesn’t make you happy, there’s gotta be something wrong with you.

The Daily Show/The Colbert Report/Real Time with Bill Maher – They are all smart and I love these shows. On a side note – have you ever seen Stephen Colbert interview out of character? It’s crazy how good he is at his job!

Criminal Minds – If there’s a crime show to watch, this is mine. Not so big on re-runs though.
The ones I used to faithfully watch and now they’ve lost me (or have at least begun to).

Gossip Girl/One Tree Hill – between nutso storylines and destroying the relationships that make the most sense, meh. Maybe I’m growing up. HA!

CSI – Between Horatio’s sideways glance and sunglasses, and the loss of Grissam…I watch if there’s nothing else on, but not if it’s a re-run I’ve already seen.

Shows I grew up on.

Dawson’s Creek – I still remember discussing the show the following morning in the cafeteria at high school. I was always a huge supporter of Pacey + Joey. I remember missing those talks when I was away at college when the series ended and I had to cry with my new roommate. What was even crazier was when I met the real Jen Lindley while camping at Algonquin last summer. Flashbacks to the video for Amy. wow. heartbreaking stuff.

Friends – One of the best sit coms ever. Oh….if they ever do a reunion. There isn’t one episode that I can’t sit down and watch again for the who-knows-how-many-times.

Back to reality?…

16 and Pregnant / Teen Mom – Oh yes – must watch. All those broken condoms though – sounds like a lawsuit to me. With all the people I know who have to try so hard to conceive…these kids are something else. I love the ones who are trying though. Makes me hope that their babies have a chance in the world.

Hell’s Kitchen – Both me and my husband have worked in many kitchens, so we get a kick out of this one. And we’ve called EVERY winner from episode 3 or sooner.

Family Jewels – Gene Simmons and family. I’m entertained by the seeming normalcy of his kids and the cluelessness of himself.

The Amazing Race – I don’t have to catch every episode. But I’m more diligent in tuning in when there are teams who are familiar to me because of their past exploits on tv.

Tabatha’s Salon Takeover – I love Tabatha. Love her to bits.

Flipping Out – I don’t know if there are personalities more fun to watch than Jeff Lewis, Zueila and Jenny.

Shark Tank – I like seeing the crazy ideas and then seeing the Sharks fight amongst themselves. Enjoyable.

 The shows I lost too soon…

Life Unexpected – This little show didn’t get a chance. Had such lovely potential. You tube the final scene, you’ll understand what I mean.

Everwood – Amy, Bright, Hannah and Ephriam…quality characters, realistic storyline. I miss the ferris wheel.

The ones I miss…oh so much.

Friday Night Lights – It was the best show on TV. It ended beautifully and was loved by critics, just didn’t get the audience it deserved. Everyone who failed to tune in….you missed out BIG TIME. The cinematography was lovely, the characters were real, the relationships were worthy of investing in.

Boston Legal – Denny Crane and Alan Shore. (And Shirley, Jerry and Katie of course). The lines those characters delivered were so smart, so funny, so entertaining. I was upset when this one ended. I don’t come across shows that are this challenging and funny very often. It left a hole.

The shows I’m looking forward to.

Hart of Dixie – This may replace a little bit of the hole left from the ending of Life Unexpected and Everwood. Here’s hoping.

Franklin and Bash – Zack Morris and the stoner from Clueless. Lawyers. Yes, I’m in.

The shows I didn’t watch from the beginning and now I wish I did because I feel I’m missing out and won’t start watching now.

The Big Bang Theory – I found re-runs come on Comedy Central after The Daily Show and Colbert Report and I love them so much. So smart and funny. I hope the whole series comes to Netflix soon.

True Blood – I’ve heard that it’s wonderful, but I think I should read the books. Again – if it makes it to Netflix, it will be great to watch while working.

How I Met your Mother – Jason Segal and Neil Patrick Harris. I don’t know where I was when this series started…if only I knew then what I know now….

Maybe I watch too much tv – but without a built-in, there isn’t much else that allows me to escape. Chances are if I haven’t mentioned a show, I don’t watch it. Certainly not regularly. And like I said, I don’t start watching after something has already started. Not unless I have full access to all the episodes from the beginning forward. That’s just how I watch.

First, the image I chose to upload, has nothing to do with the content of the blog. I found this topic very difficult to visually represent, but I found this nifty ‘built-in’ image through google and decided I had looked enough and it would do.

Second, I love my children and all the time I get to spend with them. I dread the fact that school is starting soon. So much so, I have seriously, seriously considered home-schooling.

The built-in. I don’t have any. Not even one. Sometimes, I really wish that was not the case. My friend and I talk about built-ins quite often (she doesn’t have one either) but almost all the other people we know have them. Usually we’re jealous. But, as I really think about the existence of a built-in (or several) in my life, I don’t know how jealous I am (at least on the good days).

Let me explain.

A built-in is a babysitter, kid-watcher, relative, friend, grandparent, aunt, uncle, grown-up in your life who you do not pay, beg, sometimes even ask to watch your child(ren). You can count on them in a pinch, be relieved by them when you least expect it, complete tasks as you once did during that hard-to-remember time before children joined your life. Many of you have automatic built-ins with your siblings or parents. They are the aunts/uncles/grandparents of your children. They are around even when you may not want them around (but I’ll get into that later). And before you get too far ahead of me wondering…yes, I do have parents and yes, I do have sisters who I think would be considered built-ins, but alas, that’s not the picture that was painted in my case, and our lives have grown along their own paths.

So, to re-focus, no built-in for me. Now, before you join me in my slight self-pity, I do have a mother-in-law who comes for an over night about 4 times a year, so it has averaged that I get to see 3 movies per year in the theatre with my husband. woohoo. If we were to want to go out, we would have to find a babysitter, pay the babysitter and then figure out what to do. Yes, I have dreams of the big rides at Canada’s Wonderland, a concert (don’t really care which one), tickets to Second City….but alas, things don’t line up for us that way.

There are some problems. I have three boys. They are not bad, and do what they’re told for the most part, but they are still a handful. They talk, a.lot. They are on the go, they are rough with each other. They make messes. They eat a lot. They require a lot of attention. Again, there are three of them. They don’t like to sleep. The oldest is still just 5….they are needy. I think they would overpower a teenage babysitter. That 15 year old girl would feel confident with her plans of control, and sadly, she would be sized up and defeated. Did I mention my children are very resourceful, very logical and very smart. It is exhausting and I’m their mother.

I don’t like to ask. The few people in my life that I believe could handle all three of my monsters, I would never ask to take them. Never. And I don’t complain about it. I have one friend who I discuss the concept of the built-in with (and she completely understands and shares most of my views). This is the weird part, though – I would offer in a second. And I would offer again, and again, if I was put in the position (and I have been). Looking after friends’ children delights me. What their parents don’t always understand is it makes my life easier taking on more kids. These are new faces that my boys don’t see everyday – it takes a lot of pressure off me.

Also, if kids were dropped off at my house for the day and did nothing but scream and whine and misbehave – you’d never know it. I wouldn’t tell you. I wouldn’t care. It’s a day and I know it’s time that mommy and daddy needed. Doesn’t bother me one bit. Of course, it does help that I have been through that and go through that. I had criers, I had screamers, I had fuss pots. My boys have bad days. Doesn’t faze me at all. On the other hand – if I even thought that my kids were a handful at their hypothetical babysitting destination – the guilt would overwhelm me. Crazy, I know. This is why I would never ask. The only possible way I would ask is if it was a huge emergency, and even then, if I had warning, I would beg my mother in law to make the trek to come, and we’d pay her gas money.

Before kids, my husband and I went out, we did stuff. We knew that would change when we brought little ones into the world. I still get to see the odd movie – it’s usually with other moms, we usually make arrangements at least a week in advance, and either our husbands or other built-ins in their lives take kid-duty. It’s not like we’re shut in. But all of you who complain about having to take your kids with you to Walmart because their grandmother was busy this time – I have little patience for you. Understand you are fortunate. Understand you have it pretty good.

In many ways, I’m lucky too. I work behind a big computer screen at home. We have routines. I take and pick up the kids from school. We play, we figure things out. I’ve been there for all the firsts. On the other side, my concentration is broken a lot. There have been some VERY late nights glowing in the light of the computer. If it’s not work, it’s the house, or the boys, or the dinner, or the other things that come up. Sometimes I just think of how much my productivity will improve when all three are in school full time. My business will grow. And there will be time to read. I won’t know what to do with myself. But, although it may sound differently, I’m not complaining. I’m just urging all you parents who have access to built-ins to appreciate what you have. I don’t know what it’s like to be told to go for dinner with my husband on our anniversary. I don’t know what it’s like to unexpectedly have an afternoon of focussed quiet so I can easily meet a work deadline. I don’t know what it’s like to be able to wash my floor during the day without it being marked up with footprints 5 minutes after it dries. I don’t know what it’s like to go to the grocery store or the mall with my husband, hold hands and actually get everything we need.

Appreciate what you have, if you’ve got one. There are days, I’m a little jealous.

However, then I remember, with a built-in, there are other issues that arise. These wonderful people may share their opinion of your parenting too much. I don’t have to deal with that. They may show up without any notice. Not cool at my house. There is a very short list of people in our life who would be welcomed at any time. If these people in my life don’t know who they are already, they’re off the list. I require at least the 30 minute warning call. I need time to make sure at least 1 bathroom is scrubbed and the boys have underwear on.

Most of you have at least one built-in in your life. I would gladly be one for any one of my friends who requires one (and I will continue to offer). And when I’m a grandmother – my children better look out, because I’ll be kidnapping my grandchildren often. And I don’t think I’ll care whether my crime goes appreciated or not. I will know the burden I’ll be lessening and I’ll know the enrichment that will come from my actions. There are kids I would kidnap now if circumstances were different.

I was meant to be a mom. Doesn’t mean a break wouldn’t be welcomed every once in a while. I was cutting the grass the other day and sighed thinking about how awesome it would be to stretch out a blanket under my little willow tree and read, in quiet enjoyment. And daydreaming about what it would be like to wave at my boys who were going to spend a couple of hours with their built-in, and my housework was done and the computer was off. Those moments are more realistic at 2am and happen while I’m negotiating with my eyelids.