six months out.

28 Mar

Birthdays aren’t really my thing. I don’t remember them ever really being my thing, but they definitely lost all their excitement and wonder 9 and a half years ago. 20 did not come easily. I distinctly remember breaking down on the floor of my parents’ kitchen. I was overwhelmed. I think that’s really all it was. I was capable of living on my own and I had been. I was capable of buying things on my own, getting myself places, working, studying, being a productive member of society. I wasn’t scared. I was overwhelmed. 20 seemed old. I thought 20 came fast.

20 had nothing on 30. In six months, I will hit that milestone. As ironic as it may sound, I want to have a big party. My husband has knows this for a couple of years now. I have been hinting and not-so-subtly planning for myself. I think it will provide me with the chance to stay busy and avoid the next breakdown on my own kitchen floor.

Those 10 years passed so quickly. In them, I’ve graduated, gotten married, travelled, had 3 babies, bought a few houses, run a successful business, made friends, lost friends, discovered, disappointed, fought, laughed, surpassed expectations and learned. There is plenty to be proud of. It’s not easy for me to just be proud. I’m a worrier. I begin to contemplate whether or not I’ve done enough. Whether I will accomplish my list of things to accomplish, whether my kids will be ok, whether I’m being a good enough mom. Whether we are where we are supposed to be. But my husband and I are a good team. My kids are smart and ok. We have material things and emotional security. We have many goals and plans A B and C of how to achieve them. I don’t have specifics that have to be done before I turn the dreaded 3-0 (I know better than that). This particular birthday comes with enough strings for me.

Still…that big number is approaching too quickly for my liking. I remember when 6 months seemed like a long time (at least I think I remember when it did). Now, I know better.

I’m hoping for a celebration of friends and family. A big BBQ, a fantastic cake. Some love, some stories, some laughing. That’s all that I want the day to be. I’m hoping I’m smarter, more secure and certainly in control of myself. (And I’m thinking that having a bunch of people here will greatly aid in these important things). And I know that on September 29th, I will wake up just a day older, just like any other day. Hopefully I’ll save the breakdown for the next milestone. Stay tuned. I’ll keep you posted.

One Response to “six months out.”

  1. beautifulbird. April 18, 2011 at 12:17 am #

    and amazing three decades it has been :). sorry for the belated birthday wishes darling. keep writing – you definitely inspire me too. xx.

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